Winter mood.

Winters are hard. And it’s not even officially winter! Already I feel the difference in my mood. It’s dark. It’s cold. It’s very dark and cold. The darkness bothers me a lot more than the cold. I can bundle up (and boy do I) for the cold, but the sun is hard to replace. Something happens to my mood and well being when it is dark out. When there is sun, I feel possibility. So much possibility. Like anything is possible, anything can happen. Like there is so much to look forward to. When there is darkness that possibility is harder for me to feel.

I had a hard day today. I was really in my head. I had a lot of anxious feelings. It’s been like this for the past couple days now. I’m coming off a few weeks of very high highs, some transitions (Neil was away for 11 days), and a lot of creative energy and physical energy being spent. I was expecting some days like this. But when these days come it is still not easy. I love feeling good. I don’t like being in discomfort. In fact, I excel at avoiding discomfort. I always have. I really feel my natural state is joy and possibility. So when there are days without these things present I find it difficult.

I looked in my journal from last year at around this same time and I noticed I was feeling the same way. There are going to be some hard days this winter. There will always be hard days. But I have to remind myself that these are the days that we grow. These are the days that we feel. These are the days that we reflect. This winter is going to be different. Being aware of how it affects me is going to make a big difference. I don’t think I have ever been more aware than now.

So, here I go, three layers on, puffy jacket and hat on top. Darkness on the outside, but light, love and possibility on the inside.